Prelude

 From day one I was a dirty talker and I knew what I liked and what I didn’t like and I certainly wasn’t afraid to make it known…in bed. My sex life was a basic at first, totally a one person kind of gal, just me and my boyfriend.

Then we broke up.

 I wanted to live it up and be single in college, AKA it is like it sounds: I totally wanted to play the field…again AKA it’s like it sounds: I wanted to get laid by other people whenever I wanted.

One guy for the rest of my life… not for me (well not right now anyway).

After the break up I hooked up with a good amount of guys, but I don’t mean I actually had sex with them, I was a total pussy and just fooled around with them, since I had only had sex with the ex, I didn’t know anything about the whole one night stand kind of thing. So I just fooled around with guys, no strings, not emotions, just the whole let’s get drunk and go back to your place and see what happens and that’s when I discovered the saddest thing ever…

Hand shovers.

You might be asking what that is, if you are a chick I’m sure you know what I am saying, but if you are a dude, you have no idea what this means even though it is totally your fault.

Hand shover: a man (or in some cases a female) who shoves their hand into a vagina while fingering it, but instead of doing it the right way and just playing with the clit to warm it up, the finger jam the fuck out of it and leave the girl turned way off and in much pain.

Thanks a lot asshole.

I have gotten many of them. I once called it out because I couldn’t take it.

“Hey, if you can’t do it right, don’t do it all!”

And I mean that. There is nothing like saying that to a dude and then having to sleep there and peace out early the next day for the nice walk of shame home because it was too late or you were too drunk…

I am the one with the story to tell the next day after almost any party, the one who never has a normal hook up. The one who stood in front of the mirror drunk with her first one night stand talking about how hot we both are and how hot our kids would be and then had to make a call for a friend to deliver condoms and then called the kid the wrong name while we were doing the deed (yeah I’ve been a wrong namer)…. I am that girl. I am the one who will hit the back of her head on a bathroom sink while giving a blow job.

These are just a glimpse…they are nothing in the grand scheme of my sex life.